If It Hurts You To See Me This Way Then Don't Look At Me.

Hello everyone! Sorry it's taken me so so long to update, but I'm definatly gonna be on more. How has everyone been doing? I've missed you all so much!

I haven't been on here in forever. I'm so sorry to all of you, let me start by saying that.
This is the only place I've ever been able to come to be 100% honest. I'm crying right now because I'm not doing so well..
I really really do not know what to do at this point.
I'm a mess. I'll make a real update sometime later.

First off, let me say I'm extremely sorry that I haven't written anyone back that has commented or that I've been talking to, I'm so sorry. I've just been in a really crap mood, and I promise that once I start to feel better, once I'm not so on edge about everything, I'll comment back. I plan to comment everyone back in a day or so. Once again I'm sooo sorry.

I've had about 232 calories if that.


Soo now for my rant:

Okay, well I'm sure that other people, most people have so sort of problems with their dad, but I'm also sure that there is a majority of people who have good relationships with their fathers. Although that's just me assuming..
If my assumptions are right, I'm on the side of not having a good father/daughter relationship at all.
I could tell all of you LOADS of things, however that will not change what has happened. so I'm just not going to type out every..single..little...thing..

but today from 1pm-830pm I kid you not, I spent the WHOLE DAY cleaning the kitchen, I didn't skip anything, oh man, It was a big job, and I'm sooo tired. anyhow, I was determined to get it done before my dad got home, because for some reason, I still always still try my fucking hardest to somehow please him. SO i worked and worked and worked, scrubbing, cleaning, organizing, fixing, I get it allllll done before he gets home. He walks in I say "Hi Dad! How was your day? come, look! look at what I've done"
He doesn't say Hi, he doesn't answer me, he just goes to his chair and sits down and starts paying attention to the dogs, he ALWAYS treats the dogs better then he treats me, and I'm not exaggerating. So then I keep cleaning the counter and I'm trying not to act hurt by it or anything. And my mom says "She wants to show you what she did today" he tells her "later, I'll look later" my mom says "But she wants to show you" and I say "Never mind, never mind, it's not important."

and I sit down at the computer, trying not to cry..

Why, why, why do I base MY self worth off of how many people like me, off of how many people I can make happy. I don't understand... this town.. these people rip me to shreds, but I can NEVER be the "mean" one.. why is it soo fucking hard for me to be mean? and then, and then when they are nice, they are really so nice that it makes me sick, because HOW CAN someone be so horrible to me and then all of a sudden they want to be my best friend, all of a sudden they like me again.. They build me up, just to knock me down.. I know it, she knows it, he knows it, they know it, everyone knows it. So why do I keep going back? why do I care SOOOOOOO much about these people when they treat me like crap? Out of all of my friends here, I'd say, about 2 or 3 of them are nice. everyone else is fake. I can't help it. Why do I ALWAYS attract the mean people that ALWAYS hurt me?
If they approve of me, I'm happy.
If one little thing is wrong with me, wrong hair, wrong make up, wrong clothes, than I HAVE to change it. I have to, I have to, I have to. I let them take me like a little doll and fix me, dress me, make me however they want me to be.
If I don't laugh when they laugh, god so help me I'll never hear the end of it.
If I say something at the wrong time, god so help me I'll be the biggest joke for the rest of the year.
And reading this, you probably think it's easy, easy just to stop being around these people, just don't go out with them, just avoid them. BUT it's NOT easy, it's hard as hell the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BELONG. They make me feel like I belong, even though I know I don't, it's nice to have that feeling, and giving it up, oh man, that would be the end of me, the end of everything, then end of my crap excuse of a social life. AND WHY IS THIS ALL SO HARD FOR ME?

Why don't I care about always doing my make up?
Why don't I care about always having new clothes?
Why don't I care about having little accessories that tie my outfits together?
Why don't I care about having my hair done?

I should care about these things right? at seventeen, but I don't.

and that is what drives me crazy, is because I don't

something must be, something is wrong with me.

Today went well.
I woke up this morning, 131lbs!! sick, just sick.
tonight, the scale read 129lbs, minus 2lbs YES!! my weight still is nowhere near good. ick.

CURRENT STATS:
H-5'8
BMI-19.6
HW-139lbs
CW-129lbs
LW-108lbs

Well, I'm tired. very very tired (when am I not?)
it's 12:52am here, I use to be able to stay up to around 3 or 4am, I can't anymore, no energy like I use to have at all.

I'm waking up early tomorrow to go for a long walk while it's still cool out, I need to start doing something with my lazy ass.

so good night!

I'll post tomorrow again, if I'm feeling up to it.

all my love.

xoxox

ali!

Well lets start off with the somewhat kinda sorta good news, Idk for some reason the word "news" just looked like a really funny word to put right there..ok anyways I'm off track. The good news= I has 440 calories today, Which is within the limit of 500 that I decided to let myself have today.

okay now for a kinda long story/blah blah blah (me talking [typing] too much):
So today I just sat at home all day, no really I'm not kidding, I was home like ALLL day sitting here, doing nothing, I decided that sunday is going to be my only lazy sleep in day. So anyways I got really tired && bored of sitting here all day with nothing to do. So I asked my mom if she wanted to walk (we don't have a car) with me (20 minutes) to target, we don't have any money because my mom is in between checks && also I can't work because I don't go to school, so my state won't allow me to work since I'm only 17. Anyways so after me begging her (because I don't want to go alone because of my stalker [Different story]) she finally decides to go with me. So we're walking and talking (I have an okay relationship with my mom, only because of the fact that she can't stand up to me, she wants "tries" to be my friend more than my mom, so she never tells me no, or if she tries, i always end up making her change her mind) so anyways we're walking and talking, well okay I get stressed out about things easily, so she asks me if I have gotten my birth certificate back from my friend Nicole (NOTE: Nicole has my birth certificate because the last time I seen her, we were going to go see a rated R movie && I don't have my ID yet so we thought I could use my B.C and I forgot she had it when she left, ANOTHER NOTE: I have not seen Nicole in ages, so I personally would feel odd calling her and saying "So.. do you have my birth certificate still?") And I tell my mom, that I haven't gotten it back yet, than THIS IS WHAT STRESSES ME OUT my mom tells me that I'm going to have my identity stole and that my credit is going to be ruined forever, I get mad and ask her why she always has to make me upset && stressed out, we get in an argument, she tells me I can go into target alone and she'll wait outside, I tell her no, that she can go home && I'll walk home ALONE (it's getting dark) she leaves, I go into target alone.


OKAY OKAY IT GETS BETTERish HERE:
So then I'm walking around target, wishing I could buy things, I get bored, I leave target and I the opposite direction of where I live (I needed a long walk anyways) so I walk toward my old high school. (I have this habit of talking to myself, since I have no one else to talk to, but I'm only loud enough for myself to barely hear) so I'm walking and talking to myself, I walk by the mental health unit and I say to myself "I could go in there if I want, I could go in there and just rest if only for awhile, maybe they could help me" then I tell myself "but I can't" "why who's stopping me?" "I'm stopping me" So I walk some more, thinking a lot and trying to sort out everything, than I think:

"you know, the way to describe it, the way to describe it, it's almost like, it's like Okay, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff, my back is facing the fall, and I'm standing there staring at everyone from the edge, everyone else is on the 'safe' side, so I'm standing there the dirt beneath my feet is loose, its cracking and breaking off, if a little more broke off I'd fall, the arch's of my feet, and the heels of my feet are completely off the edge, they have no dirt under them, not even loose dirt, but the balls of my feet, and my toes are still touching the loose dirt, so I'm still 'ok' I have to stand nearly on my tippy toes but I'm still 'ok' however if I get off of my toes and lean back on my heels for just a second I'll fall, so there is NO WAY i can do that, because If I fall than people will know, because you see even though I'm standing on my tippy toes I don't look like I have any problems, even though I'm clearly about to fall, When other people see me on my tippy toes, I just seem taller, that's all taller, nothing is wrong with being taller right? to everyone I seem taller and everyone assumes that since I'm tall, I must be strong, So to other people I look tall and strong, even though at any moment I can fall, and lose everything."


Sorry idk if that made sense to anyone..

*takes a big deep breath*
Man, it's been awhile since I've written, I really forgot how much I missed this place, god i can barley type because I can feel myself about to burst into tears, I have so much on my mind that I want to talk(type) about. hmm I really don't even know where to start.. I've been in such a downward spiral. ugh, i've gained weight, a lot of weight.



Hmm idk, I've been like ugh lately.
idk I'll write more later. right now I'm just not in the mood.

>.

i'll write more when i have an actual computer, right now i'm on my phone. i hope everyone is doing good. i love & miss you all.
xoxox
ali.

I have to make this quick because (1) My mom is bugging && bugging && bugging me to hurry up && (2) because I have to get some type of rest before I leave tomorrow.
Tomorrow I leave to go visit my best friend Tristan!!! (I met her here, on pro ana) this will be my second time visiting her && I'm soooooooooooo excited. I've missed her too much!!!

I probably won't be on, until I get home.
Well my mom is getting impatient with me, so I gotta run!


I love you all!!
stay strong!
take care.
xx
Ali
<33333

everything that has to do with food, makes me mad!
and I don't understand why NO ONE in my family seems to understand that!!

Yesterday, I walked 13.63 miles, I didn't eat all day, but when I finally got home after being gone ALL day, my mom made me eat I had: 1 waffle[plain] (90c) && an ice cream sandwich (120c) so my total for yesterday was 210 calories. I would have done better if I didn't have to come home && argue about eating && try to make excuses for it.

I'm way tired today, my legs hurt badly, && my back sorta hurts.
today I just plan to stay around here && clean because friday I have a lot of errands to run.

I still haven't go going yet, I woke up around 9, but I soon as I finish writing this, I'm going to go get ready.


I cried myself to sleep last night, I went into my room around 3 or 3 something, I laid in bed, grabbed my bear, && cried && cried && cried, all these emotions were going through my mind && I couldn't stop it, it wouldn't stop.
I didn't get to sleep until sometime around 4, which means I had about 5 hours of sleep; fun.


Fasting Today-Wednesday.

<3

Well I didn't gain from all that fucking disgusting food last night (surprisingly)
I weighed in this morning at 127lbs which is the same fucking weight I've been ALL damn week.
I'm fasting today,
I have this hawaiian luau bbq thing to go to today, it start around 4, I'm not really looking forward to it but I guess it will be nice to spend time with my sister.
I have to go get ready now, I'm going with my mom to her doctors (which Idk why)
I'm off to straighten my hair.
I'll be back later.

xoxoxox.
<3
Ali.


Stay Strong!!!

Today did not go as planned at all.
I had:
-Pudding:(60c) [purged]

That was the ONLY thing I had all day, until my mom decides she wants to take me out to dinner && a movie.
The movie started at 615pm && I had:
-1/2 a large tub of buttered popcorn, with some sugar stuff on it: about (600c) [purged]
-Original Orange-A-Peel Smoothie, from Jamba Juice: (426c) [purged]
-1 super slice of cheese pizza (500c) [purged]
-A chocolate drumstick (360c)
TODAYS TOTAL:1946 CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kill me.
kill me now.

I'm fasting tomorrow.

for those of you who actually read my journal (and for those who don't just go back a few entries && read && then you'll know exactly what I'm talking about)

So for months, I've been trying to find a way to perfectly explain the relationship I have with my friends, because it is no where near great, hell it's not even good, but I can never even explain it.

So for those of you have seen the movie called Mean girls, my friends are exactly like the plastics, except it's one guy && one girl. 
well anyways, these two quotes are exactly how I feel (I'll add my friends name in there)

(1) "The weird thing about hanging out with Regina Ellie was that I could hate her, and at the same time, I still wanted her to like me."
(2) "the meaner Regina Ellie was to her me, the more Gretchen I tried to win Regina Ellie back. She I knew it was better to be in the plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with the plastics was like being famous... people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you."

that is the only way I could think to explain it.
<3

Hehe This is for you Carolyn. It will be played on repeat at our store. LOL
Hooker Nation For Life x]

last night, my mom made brownies, it was at like 1130pm, I denied one for the longest time. 
after awhile i could have slept, but what did I do? I ate a fucking brownie approximately 230-250 calories.
so lets just say it was 250. which puts my total at 660 calories for yesterday, not 410 like it had been.
no more brownies, no more treats for me.

Today my day went pretty well, although I didn't exercise like a wanted.
my intake today was:
- 1/2 cup of special K (60c)
- gram crackers (100c)
- dorito chips (100c)
-chocolate pudding (60c)
- 3 pringles (30c)
-popcorn (60c)
total: 410 calories.


I hope to get myself exercising tomorrow, I've just been really tired && weak these days.


I think I'm gonna go read before I go to be.

xoxox.
Ali